Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this.”
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
symps: Selective deafness to the phrases, “Right, right, ok, but what was the ERROR?”, and a strong fondness for the phrase, “Well, I’m getting to that.”
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user’s shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 100 copies of the same thing).
We got a strange case today. When a lady called for support on the game we’re doing tech for, she started to say that her computer was blessed. She also wanted me to pray with her while her computer was rebooting and she was always asking if I was a believer, if I practiced and all these things. What does this have to do with tech support I really don’t know. Also it turned out her computer was a 486 with 8 megs of RAM running on win 98… No wonder she’s praying while it boots up… If she wasn’t it could stop working entirely 
“Sir, if your camera cannot be repaired, then the next thing we can do for you is replace it.”
“With what?”
“A camera of your choice, based upon the value you originally paid, in this case, Rs.10,000/-.”
“Well… what if my camera has gone UP in value since then…?!??!”
Buddy… it ain’t an Elvis collector’s plate, allright?
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had a customer that recently upgraded from dial-up to DSL. Naturally he complains that his computer didn’t go any faster and that his connection is just as slow. Then he tells me, “First off, don’t blame it on my computer.. I have a Dell 4100. Let’s just start there. It’s a fast computer. . . ” for those who don’t want to look at the specs. . the base specs for this “fast” machine is as follows. . 800Mhz, 128MB Ram, 20GB hard drive, WinME. Then the customer tells me he recently upgraded to WinXP. I checked his memory and he only upgraded it to 256. I never wanted to transfer anyone to the dial tone department so bad in my life.
I just got off a call with a Customer, 3 way with “$4_letter_computer_Manufacturer”, The customer was referred to them by us, as her dialup modem has been coming up as not responding. The “Tech” who’s name was “Edward”, couldn’t tell the customer how to reboot her Vista machine, (I butted in and explained to the customer), the “Tech” also took 45 minutes to reinstall a modem. That should be a 5 minute job!!! This supposed “Tech” had no idea what he was doing!!! I had to bite my tongue to NOT jump in every couple of minutes, and tell this loser how it should ACTUALLY be done….
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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that’s a good point… The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine.
**************************************************************
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
**************************************************************
Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
**************************************************************
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
**************************************************************
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
**************************************************************
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me onto this diskette?”
**************************************************************
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: “Hi… Is this the Internet?”
**************************************************************
Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
**************************************************************
Customer: “So that will get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh… uh… uh… yeah.”
**************************************************************
Tech Support: “All right… now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows – because of the icons – I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to…” Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms.’ I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well… why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet… is ‘little picture’ OK?”
Customer: [click]
**************************************************************
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game…”
Tech Support: “All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed!”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before! I crashed the spaceship, and now it doesn’t work.”
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”
We’ve decided to change our ad sharing revenue from 50% up to 100%. This means that if you submit your own story, you keep all of the ad revenue from it.
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Now just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year … Namely,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo??? It’s been a year! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally Just hung up. He didn’t call back.
I bet he felt dumb!!!
I was on vacation and didn’t have access to wi-fi or a landline. This meant my only option to get online was to use my cell phone as a modem.
I had purchased Verizon’s rip-off “music kit” a while back. Basically a USB cable to connect your phone to your PC, and a CD that tries to convert your MP3s to some other format since the phone can’t play normal MP3 files (stuuuuupid). The good news is that this meant I had the cable I needed to be able to use the phone as a modem and wouldn’t have to pay $50 more for that kit.
So, I called Verizon, the guy walked me through configuring Windows dial-up networking to connect and it wouldn’t work. We were roaming at the time, and chalked it up to that.
A few weeks later we were up in Tennessee for the weekend. Again, there’s no wi-fi nearby. However, I have good cell reception so I figured I’d try the Verizon thing again. It’s about $60/month, but I’ll just cancel after the weekend anyhow.
So, I call Verizon and simply ask them to enable that feature for me, since I already have the phone connected and Windows configured. “Uh, we can’t do that”. “You need to buy a special card for your computer”. I insisted that I didn’t, but he insisted that I did. I said something like “I just need the $60/month plan so I can use my phone as a modem”. Nope. I asked for a supervisor and was offered technical support. Ok.
The tech support guy comes on and says “So you want the $59.99/month plan so you can use your phone as a modem? No problem”. Strange, considering what the last guy had said, but good.
However, he told me I’d have to go online and download their fancy connection manager software. (note: I couldn’t GET online – that’s the whole problem!) I explained that I didn’t want to buy it, and I’ll simply use Windows dial-up networking instead. He was quite adamant that it wouldn’t work without their fancy software, but I was quite adamant that he just turn the stupid thing on.
He did and I fired it up. No dice. I asked if there was someone I could talk to about it. “Nope”. “How about tomorrow?”, I replied. “Nope. No one here can help you with that.”. He insisted that no one anywhere at Verizon could help me with this kind of set-up. I told him I wished I had the name of the guy from last weekend, as he was quite helpful.
I hung up with him and then tried again. I guess it just took a minute for the update to go into affect on my account, because it worked and was a great solution for the rest of the weekend.